I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize