allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
