I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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