So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
