Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
