You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm always down for nudity.
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