True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Someone came in the potted fern
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
