I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
