Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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