My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
