I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
