I think I am morally bankrupt
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
