obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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