I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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