Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
