We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
