Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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