DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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