Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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