So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
