sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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