K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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