he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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