After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
