I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
