Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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