She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
