I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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