i just wanna soil my oats bro
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
