u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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