im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
