I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
