xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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