YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
