I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
