Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
