I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I did not marry a roomba.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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