took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
