the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize