My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
