I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Less talking, more tequila
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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