my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
