Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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