I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
