He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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