If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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