I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
