Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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