I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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