I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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