If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
And then he peed in my hair
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