I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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