this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
