worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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