you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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