I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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