there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
