You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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