I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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